In the Bizarro Hermitage, everything is its opposite; it’s the flip side of our reality. Bizarro Herman describes his life in this strange land:

I feel a deep connection to my work, and feel appreciated for my contribution. I am excited to go to work every day. I am glad I chose this career. I am rarely bored or restless. My job is a real and sincere expression of my truth. I have been supported by my residency, and they have worked consistently to give me experiences which have increased my confidence and competence. They do not undermine me.

My colleagues, supervisors, my spouse, and my family are working as hard as I am, and we are on the same page. We all want the same things, and we understand each other.

If I could do everything over again, I would, in the exact same way.

I feel like my kids get consistent parenting, that they know their parents well, and that they aren’t made to feel anxious unnecessarily. This is an excellent time and place to raise children. I have every confidence that they will enjoy the strongest of foundations and opportunities surpassing any that I have ever dreamed of.

There are so many things about my work that excite me. I am so rarely bored.

When I speak, and when I write, I feel that I am completely understood. I can communicate in a simple and straightforward manner. The phrase “screaming in the void” is in no way applicable to my self expression.

I sense a surpassing harmony in my life, a feeling that I am loved and wanted and connected to the people with whom I interact.

My spouse and I work together to build one another up. We are a true source of comfort to each other. I have no serious concerns about the future of our relationship. She has worked through her issues with her childhood, and does not project any of those emotions onto me.

People in my family look to me, and think, “wow! He seems so happy and content. I understand exactly what he’s saying when he talks. I sleep more peacefully when I think about Herman and his family. He must take excellent care of himself and enjoy excellent emotional and spiritual health.”

Everyone I meet and talk with wants to work with me, and get on board with what I’m excited about. It’s easy for them to understand what I’m saying, because it’s so straightforward and clear.

I comprehend exactly why I’m writing, what I’m trying to communicate, and feel like my readers do too. I can share everything with my spouse that I write, and am always confident it will be received in the spirit in which it is written.

I feel alive, more alive than I have ever before. I sense how everything has led up to now, and how it’s a fulfillment of who I am and why I’ve worked so hard. I feel respected and appreciated for my contribution.

There is nothing bad or evil in me, quite the contrary. I am the antidote to the toxins of the world. I don’t hurt people, but bring them joy and new life.

Authority figures have earned their place overseeing me, and they are consistently good examples of the values they would have me emulate.

My emotional, spiritual, physical, and career worlds are strong, resilient to all forms of distortion, and shaped by my conscious decisions. They are expressions of my most authentic self.

When someone is suffering, I can help them. I can offer reassurance and advice without feeling like I’ll make things worse if I give my opinion and insight.

I feel cared for. I feel like people in my life know how to take care of me.

I care deeply for what other people talk about. Their lives are interesting to me. I want to be friends with the people who are around me. I want to make friends with the people with whom I work.

I feel like people recognize me when I walk in the room and appreciate that I am present. Even with people’s faces obscured, I get plenty of emotional enjoyment of conversations, and experience the same building kinetic sense of fun I always have.

If someone else is having a conflict, or expressing hostility, it doesn’t bother me if I have no part in it. I can calmly enjoy my dinner and do what I need to.

I have no doubts about my judgment or intuition. My confidence in my sanity is rock solid. I do not feel stifled in the least.

At home and at work, I feel accepted, valued, and loved. I am never afraid, consciously or unconsciously, that I’ll be kicked out, rejected, forced to a start again with nothing.

I feel I have articulated my deepest questions in life and received adequate, satisfactory answers.

The balance in my life between stimulation and support is adequate. There are people who fight for me. Many people are on my side. I am not targeted for ridicule in any way.

I have every confidence in my government and authorities in general to manage the needs of the people in this country. I don’t feel used or cheated by the political system at all. Most people are adequately informed, and appropriately optimistic for the future.

The Christian faith is an excellent expression of my core spiritual values. I feel that it is well represented by the modern Christian church. The church we belong to doesn’t dumb the material down, and being there is in no way infuriating. It feels like the Greek Lyceum, not Chick-Fil-A.

The past misdeeds of the Catholic Church and the Protestant Church in aiding and abetting child abuse do not trouble me or interfere with my worship or participation in the church body. People have been held accountable, and reforms have been made to ensure nothing like that ever happens again.

Any anger that I have about events or people in the past has been fully expressed. The people in my life are accountable for their actions. I have no repressed feelings of anger, guilt, sorrow, or regret. Any negative emotions from work do not interfere with my home life.

I had a happy childhood. I was well taken care of, and I was appreciated. It was exactly how someone like me should have been raised.

There are no aspects of my sexuality that I find dark or troubling. My mental sex life is perfectly normal and appropriate compared to my overall values and outlook in life.

It is easy for me to give and receive physical affection in my marriage. Hurt feelings in no way preoccupy me. I feel like my spouse and I are consistently on the same page when it comes to sex, romance, and life in general. The signals I get from her are consistent.