Early morning brings
Creativity, fusion
Of my dreaming and
My waking life. It’s
Nighttime that brings the sadness,
Recriminations.

Early morning brings
Creativity, fusion
Of my dreaming and
My waking life. It’s
Nighttime that brings the sadness,
Recriminations.
She handed me my
Slice of cake, which began to
Ooze bright red blood and
Whimper, my stomach
Turned, but still I took a bite,
Just to be polite
Toothless hag clamps my
Mouth, waking, smothering me,
Beneath her bathrobe
The bright boy with problems got separated from his group. He’s alone in a dark tunnel in the frozen winter. I don my winter gear and proceed into the tunnel to attempt a rescue without scaring him off.
The girl is the daughter of the sister, not the mother. The sister warms to her daughter.
Young lovers laugh. The father returns to put an end to what he thinks is mockery, but is actually not about him at all. He drives a nail into the young man’s back though his shoulder armor.
I think of what a relief it would be to have a nail driven into my back.
“Your real educators, those who formed you, reveal to you what is the true primary meaning and fundamental substance of your being … Your true self does not lie deeply concealed within you but immeasurably high above you, or at least above what you usually take for your ego.” Nietzsche
What I love is the
Neat, obedient, well made.
Miniature, fine
Tuned, durable, marked
By craftsmanship. Intricate,
Smelling of old wood
And discipline. Love
I also the raw, untamed,
Unshorn, tacky, and
Tawdry, unabashed
And simple, open and free.
Wild, naked, real.
I am Apollo
And I am Dionysus,
Sharing a lifetime.
My goal is to detect the matrix and test it’s reality.
There are multiple assumptions built into the matrix idea. One is that what we hear in our heads is detectable and influential to a consciousness external to us. The voice that we hear, the emotions in the actions that we take, must be discernible at a distance and matter to the entity that is monitoring them.
Bayesian I did that I can make a statement regarding my confidence that this reality is the base reality. So I can say that I’m 80% confident that the universe functions in a way that is easily apprehensible.
Another is that I and everyone around me can be manipulated in a way which is completely undetectable except under extraordinary circumstances. Additionally, for this to work, I would have to be able to detect that undetectable force.
The manipulation would have to benefit the entities which were monitoring from a distance.
The reason why matrix was persuasive and relatable when it first came out was because it was so apparent how my current reality was the product of my parents sending me the score and desiring me to do academics. It was readily visible how artificial the construction was. It required an extraordinary amount of energy in order to run an entire school.
Then, it’s 2021, and you stop the world for COVID-19. And the other people still exist, but so much of how you interacted with them is now gone. And you interact primarily through a computer now. It feels fake.
I have an intuition of the reality of circumstances. I have an intuition that there are other entities out there, with whom I want to be in contact.
There have been several times when the veil of reality has become thin.
A few times when loved ones acted in such a way that it was like if they were possessed by demons. My brother had a demon in him. It wanted to kill my younger brother. I had to throw myself in front of him, and he hates me forever because of it. That was more than 20 years ago, and I still think about it a couple times a week.
My younger brother had a demon. Maybe he still does. He nearly died several times. He wanted to kill my mom. He wanted to kill himself. He went inpatient multiple times. If you can’t remember anything, how do you know what was in your consciousness?
The demons have always bowed to me. I know their game. I win, but die a little more each time. They take the faces of the ones I love and twist them. They were the ones I trusted. I gave them good things.
The noosphere described by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would have to exist, and be manipulated by superior beings who treat humans as subjects. Demons could fit into this framework, malicious programs designed to tweak malfunctioning operators. Or stop people who were getting too close to detecting them.
I feel like things are simulated when I realize how things worked together in a way that I didn’t consciously realize.
As described by Nietzsche, the Apollonian vision of reality we behold in dreams, art, theater, music, represents a hyper reality. It is so desirable that I suffer upon waking from it. It encapsulates truths beyond words, and I can only grasp at vapor trying to hold it.
Alternatively, the Dionysian experience has me dance and laugh a riot, singing and celebrating and weeping with a crew of fellow satyrs and nymphs. I get myself into a frenzy, and all boundaries are dissolved. I am loved, I am home, I am one.
Crushed beneath a heap of people, I crawl to the top, sight golden Apollo, and truly experience the god.
Sometimes I wonder
How the fuck this all happened.
My life. All the shit.
The good, the bad, the
Strange. It is as unreal to
Me as sci-fi is.
Whose dream am I? Do
I dare to wake? When will I
Lose the thread and fall?
Yehedasheth
And his tribe descended from
The steppes, balloons of
Spirit (ruach) did they tow.
They did raise mighty temples
To Adonai, called
Pyramids. They were
Betrayed in Egypt, priestess
Bound and crushed beneath
The pyramid, but
One day they would return in
Fire and fury.
Music doomed me to
Dissatisfaction with the
Created world,
Which could not compete
With the universal chord.
Now I throttle words
And images, to
Wring from them lucidity,
Communion now lost.