I feel like Charlie
Fucking Brown, astonished when
Shitty people do
Shitty things. I thought
My expectations were low
Enough, but Surprise!
Tag: humor
Man In Black
Can I have this dance?
Please don’t mind my feet, they are
Basically hooves.
Sure, I have a beak
For a nose. Yes, my eyes burn
Red in the moonlight.
I am so cold, my
Dear, even with all this fur.
Warm me, take me home.
Just do a tiny
Favor for me: renounce your
Baptism. No big
Deal. Make me your new
God, and I’ll be so good to
You, you’ll never doubt.
Dungeon
We can make this a
Sex dungeon, easy. Just throw
A mattress on the
Floor and turn out the
Light. Then, start screaming and I
Will come and find you.
Witchfinder
I detect witches
With my rings. If a witch sees
Them, they say “oh my!
I love those rings! I
Wish I had those!” Boom. It works
Every single time.
Unreal
Aliens are real.
It’s me I’m not very sure
About. Existence
Is subjective. I
Have, for brief moments, been real.
But I was on drugs.
Dr Seuss At Night
I would not, could not
In the butt, I would not, could
Not, for it is shut.
A finger in my
Ass, you say? No finger will
Enter me today.
A leather ball gag
Is not for me; even if
You say I’m a drag.
These proclivities
Which you suggest are simply
Not my cup of tea.
Try it and I may,
You say? Very well. Only
To please you. Okay.
Say! This isn’t so
Bad. I rather like it in
The butt! You can go
Further, if you want!
Faster, faster, go, go, go!
Wow! What a jaunt!
I do so like it
In the ass! Perhaps I’ll try
That ball gag! Don’t quit!
You are a wise man,
I can see, humane, thank you,
Thank you, Sam I Am.
(Illustrations from Dr. Seuss’ The Seven Lady Godivas)
Spandex
Magical fabric, when
I was a youth, it thrilled me
For how it hugged the
Curves of a woman.
Now I am a man, it thrills
For how it permits
Me button my pants
Across my ever growing
Waistline; miracle!
Hard Working Androids
The distant future.
Only the female human
Race has survived. They
Invented fully
Autonomous sex androids
To fulfill their needs.
They didn’t expect
That one man’s consciousness had
Survived within the
AI network. One
Ghost in a million machines.
Me, motherfucker!
Money on the Table
Look, man, I know you
Been working hard, but we are
Going to need a lot
More out of you. I
Know, you want to know the “why?”
You always do, and
That’s alright. But here’s
The thing: it doesn’t fucking
Matter what you want.
Got it? It doesn’t.
I know, I know. You worked your
Ass off to get here.
Everybody did.
You gave up hopes and dreams to
Do this. Sacrifice,
Man, come on. To make
A thing holy, you gotta
Give it up. That’s all.
You’re where you are now
Because you did what others
Wouldn’t. Not couldn’t.
Wouldn’t. Felt like an
Idiot for years with a
Bunch of guys who are
Younger than you, know
A lot more, look better, and
They’re already rich.
What have you got? The
Ability to suffer. That’s
Right. They’re complaining
About why they can’t do
It, and you’re out there doing
It! So what, so what,
You’re stuck now. Study
Another year, because the
Virus cancelled your boards.
Big shit. Who cares? It
Will make you better. Stronger.
Some of the staff talk
Shit about you. What
Are they going to do? They
Took their shot at you
Already and it
Missed. They took what they could, and
You got the better
Deal. You beat them with
Knowledge: disability.
They are required
By law to help you,
To accommodate you and
Demonstrate what they
Did. And you told ‘em,
You’d take ‘em to court. Guess what.
They haven’t done shit.
What have you got that
They’ll never have? Brass balls. You
Get it done, man. No
Reason to get all
Discouraged. You have your one
Golden ticket to
Learn whatever the
Fuck you want for eight more months
And then you’re in your
Country estate. You
Made a billion fucking notes,
Flashcards, mnemonics
Already for this
Shit. You just gotta get that
Shit back out and put
It in regular
Rotation. Fucking go to
The mattresses, like
The Corleone’s.
You know why you liked mobsters
So much? You wanted
A family. Backup.
A fucking crew. Guess what? You
Got a huge fucking
Army out there. They all
Want you to beat this shit, get
The fuck out of there,
And start your fucking
Empire. So come on, man. Hem
Up your vagina.
It’s sticking out of
Your pant leg right now. Let’s get
Back out there, and rule
This fucking hell week!
It’s not over, it’s never
Fucking over! Yes!
