It’s Not Your Fault

I failed my board exam. I had spent months studying, and done everything I thought I could and I should. I bombed it.

I have to retake it in June, and hope to still graduate residency in time. I’m really upset about it.

I pray that it’s a glitch, a electronic error on the part of the testing administrator, and this will all be a bad dream. But it brings me back to dark places.

I’ve spent the past few months writing reflective journal entries about my life. I am starting to recognize how many harmful patterns in my life are the result of what I went through as a kid, terrified and humiliated and neglected, beaten by my brother and verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by my dad, neglected by my mom, and made to watch her have sex when she and her boyfriend were drunk, and all the kids were in one hotel room together.

I was starting to heal, as difficult as it all was. Now I’m questioning myself all over again. And I have to go back into study mode, where I have to sit at a computer all day, mentally roasting myself while trying to stay focused.

I thought I had gotten to a place where I could get back to my writing, creative and spiritual interests, and move past all the hurt and shame and pain of the past. But it’s still here, and I have to live in that pit for another three months.

I’m reminded of this gut wrenching scene, Matt Damon and Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting: https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js

For all the internalizers out there, the ones who always had to be strong, smile and say that nothing was wrong, they were fine and didn’t need anything. For those who saw what no one else saw, and bore what no one should bear. For the lonely and the devastated, for all who suffer in silence when they want to scream. For the marks that don’t show and the wounds that won’t heal.

Being an abused and neglected kid, you never leave the pit. It stays in you. I relate to this sequence from Tom Kong’s Mister Miracle, because I always want someone to see the good in me, accept the hurt I’ve felt, and help me to move through it. I have to become that person for myself. I have to hug that boy, and tell him he’s loved and wanted and doesn’t have to prove anything.

Manifesting

At the threshold to

Abundance, I beheld my

Heart’s deepest yearning.

To be seen, to be

Known, appreciated and

Cherished. To see joy

In stranger’s eyes when

They behold me. To speak and

Be heard, understood.

To enjoy the fruits of

My labors. To have my love

Exchanged, increased, shared.

To no longer be

Alone, to share my deepest

Longings with someone.

Finished screaming to

The void, now my voice joins with

A chorus, comrades.

Tethered

I want to run. I
Can’t. This collar on my neck
Catches me, holds me

Down. Each time it bites
My flesh, my spirit falls, I
Despair the hope of

Liberty. It will
Be for me no noose, but will
Become my anchor.

This is where I plant
My cornerstone, where I will
Build my strong tower.

Aeolian

I learned how to see

Auras this week. Not read them;

I see clear haloes

Of shimmering flux

Above people’s heads. Today,

We operated

On a very sick

Woman. Her aura clung to

Her, and after she

Had anesthesia,

It rose to fill the ceiling

Of the OR. When

We waited to start

The surgery, I implored

Her silently to

Stay, just a little

Longer, not to leave us here

On earth alone. I

Hope she listened. She

Will awaken soon; my heart

Cannot bear more death.

Railways

I got on a train.
I climbed to the top row and
Tried to find a place

To sleep. At last found
I a spot, on the advice
Of a mother and

Daughter. Quickly as
The train started to chug, I
Spilled from my seat to

The floor. This was not
A passenger train, but for
Livestock and cattle.

For years I had tried
To stand off from the herd, and
With them I would die.