Matrix

My goal is to detect the matrix and test it’s reality.

There are multiple assumptions built into the matrix idea. One is that what we hear in our heads is detectable and influential to a consciousness external to us. The voice that we hear, the emotions in the actions that we take, must be discernible at a distance and matter to the entity that is monitoring them.

Bayesian I did that I can make a statement regarding my confidence that this reality is the base reality. So I can say that I’m 80% confident that the universe functions in a way that is easily apprehensible.

Another is that I and everyone around me can be manipulated in a way which is completely undetectable except under extraordinary circumstances. Additionally, for this to work, I would have to be able to detect that undetectable force.

The manipulation would have to benefit the entities which were monitoring from a distance.

The reason why matrix was persuasive and relatable when it first came out was because it was so apparent how my current reality was the product of my parents sending me the score and desiring me to do academics. It was readily visible how artificial the construction was. It required an extraordinary amount of energy in order to run an entire school.

Then, it’s 2021, and you stop the world for COVID-19. And the other people still exist, but so much of how you interacted with them is now gone. And you interact primarily through a computer now. It feels fake.

I have an intuition of the reality of circumstances. I have an intuition that there are other entities out there, with whom I want to be in contact.

There have been several times when the veil of reality has become thin.

A few times when loved ones acted in such a way that it was like if they were possessed by demons. My brother had a demon in him. It wanted to kill my younger brother. I had to throw myself in front of him, and he hates me forever because of it. That was more than 20 years ago, and I still think about it a couple times a week.

My younger brother had a demon. Maybe he still does. He nearly died several times. He wanted to kill my mom. He wanted to kill himself. He went inpatient multiple times. If you can’t remember anything, how do you know what was in your consciousness?

The demons have always bowed to me. I know their game. I win, but die a little more each time. They take the faces of the ones I love and twist them. They were the ones I trusted. I gave them good things.

The noosphere described by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would have to exist, and be manipulated by superior beings who treat humans as subjects. Demons could fit into this framework, malicious programs designed to tweak malfunctioning operators. Or stop people who were getting too close to detecting them.

I feel like things are simulated when I realize how things worked together in a way that I didn’t consciously realize.

As described by Nietzsche, the Apollonian vision of reality we behold in dreams, art, theater, music, represents a hyper reality. It is so desirable that I suffer upon waking from it. It encapsulates truths beyond words, and I can only grasp at vapor trying to hold it.

Alternatively, the Dionysian experience has me dance and laugh a riot, singing and celebrating and weeping with a crew of fellow satyrs and nymphs. I get myself into a frenzy, and all boundaries are dissolved. I am loved, I am home, I am one.

Crushed beneath a heap of people, I crawl to the top, sight golden Apollo, and truly experience the god.

Burnout

You’d think becoming

A doctor would lead to my

Deep fulfillment, an

Intersection of

My gifts and the world’s needs.

No. It’s all band-aids.

I save a life and

Forget it, beat my head on

The wall when I don’t

Know an answer. It’s

Ashes in my mouth. Reward

For years of struggle

Is to be beset

By insoluble problems.

I long for music,

Peace, rest, safety, an

End to toil and turmoil.

Sabbath of Sabbaths.

No Martyr

Once did a young man

Declare that the tragedy

Of the world was

Wrong, and that he would

Fix it. Did he believe in

Himself? Sometimes. But

Not often. He had

Imbibed and lived a creed in

Which to be crushed by

The machine was a

Victory, representing

The end to the war.

Eventually he

Became a doctor and found

Himself a clockwork.

Would he spend his life

And his substance to turn back

The hands for one more

Moment? He wasn’t

That good, to die in service

Of a lost cause. He

Was selfish enough

To want a purpose for his

Life and work, to write

His name in the stars,

To stop the clock forever.

No martyr would he

Be. He would not burn

On another’s pyre. He

Would steal the sun from

The sky and hide it

In his pocket, to peep at

When he was idle.

Garden of Unforgetting

In my journeys have I happened upon

The Garden Unforgetful, thrice did I

Eat her fruit. When first I sampled, learned I

To trip the light fanatastick, no longer

Bound by gravity, the chains were loosed, danced

For the rain. All the overseers could

Not fix me to this earth, for of the sky

Was I born; return to my home did I.

Second fruit, spoke did I in my one true

Voice, as pure and strong, the leader for whom

World ached. With deep resonance I did

Intone, command, withdrew Excalibur.

The last fruit showed me witnesses, a cloud

Kindred, broken hearts, so lonely, lovely,

Awaiting healing and communion. More

Than a year since I visited garden

Green, yet I have found it grows in me, and

Its harvest will soon become my supper.

Fool vs Devil

Fool always wins; he forgets the Devil, journeys onward, Devil dusted.

Doctor Faker is
The same devil that was/is
In my Dad, the one

So terrified of
Being judged that he judges
Everyone he meets.

The condescension,
Wounded, oh so noble, “I’m
Trying to sleep and

If I can’t sleep you
Kids can’t sleep!” Dad stomped, shouted,

And we’re crying. Craig

Was as old as my
Olivia; he had to
Go through that. God bless

Us. So to meet him
In the latter day is a
Trigger to be sure.

Can only dust the
Devil if you can forget
Him; the scars run deep.

Eternal Union

Marriage changes us.
She is part of me now, and I
Am part of her. No

Turning back. Forever.
She is Eve and Lilith, I
Am Cain and Abel.

Sacrifice, and then
Celebration, repeat. We
Fight together, we

Fight each other. Our
House, our sailing ship in which
We make the world.

Bizarro Herman’s Hermitage

In the Bizarro Hermitage, everything is its opposite; it’s the flip side of our reality. Bizarro Herman describes his life in this strange land:

I feel a deep connection to my work, and feel appreciated for my contribution. I am excited to go to work every day. I am glad I chose this career. I am rarely bored or restless. My job is a real and sincere expression of my truth. I have been supported by my residency, and they have worked consistently to give me experiences which have increased my confidence and competence. They do not undermine me.

My colleagues, supervisors, my spouse, and my family are working as hard as I am, and we are on the same page. We all want the same things, and we understand each other.

If I could do everything over again, I would, in the exact same way.

I feel like my kids get consistent parenting, that they know their parents well, and that they aren’t made to feel anxious unnecessarily. This is an excellent time and place to raise children. I have every confidence that they will enjoy the strongest of foundations and opportunities surpassing any that I have ever dreamed of.

There are so many things about my work that excite me. I am so rarely bored.

When I speak, and when I write, I feel that I am completely understood. I can communicate in a simple and straightforward manner. The phrase “screaming in the void” is in no way applicable to my self expression.

I sense a surpassing harmony in my life, a feeling that I am loved and wanted and connected to the people with whom I interact.

My spouse and I work together to build one another up. We are a true source of comfort to each other. I have no serious concerns about the future of our relationship. She has worked through her issues with her childhood, and does not project any of those emotions onto me.

People in my family look to me, and think, “wow! He seems so happy and content. I understand exactly what he’s saying when he talks. I sleep more peacefully when I think about Herman and his family. He must take excellent care of himself and enjoy excellent emotional and spiritual health.”

Everyone I meet and talk with wants to work with me, and get on board with what I’m excited about. It’s easy for them to understand what I’m saying, because it’s so straightforward and clear.

I comprehend exactly why I’m writing, what I’m trying to communicate, and feel like my readers do too. I can share everything with my spouse that I write, and am always confident it will be received in the spirit in which it is written.

I feel alive, more alive than I have ever before. I sense how everything has led up to now, and how it’s a fulfillment of who I am and why I’ve worked so hard. I feel respected and appreciated for my contribution.

There is nothing bad or evil in me, quite the contrary. I am the antidote to the toxins of the world. I don’t hurt people, but bring them joy and new life.

Authority figures have earned their place overseeing me, and they are consistently good examples of the values they would have me emulate.

My emotional, spiritual, physical, and career worlds are strong, resilient to all forms of distortion, and shaped by my conscious decisions. They are expressions of my most authentic self.

When someone is suffering, I can help them. I can offer reassurance and advice without feeling like I’ll make things worse if I give my opinion and insight.

I feel cared for. I feel like people in my life know how to take care of me.

I care deeply for what other people talk about. Their lives are interesting to me. I want to be friends with the people who are around me. I want to make friends with the people with whom I work.

I feel like people recognize me when I walk in the room and appreciate that I am present. Even with people’s faces obscured, I get plenty of emotional enjoyment of conversations, and experience the same building kinetic sense of fun I always have.

If someone else is having a conflict, or expressing hostility, it doesn’t bother me if I have no part in it. I can calmly enjoy my dinner and do what I need to.

I have no doubts about my judgment or intuition. My confidence in my sanity is rock solid. I do not feel stifled in the least.

At home and at work, I feel accepted, valued, and loved. I am never afraid, consciously or unconsciously, that I’ll be kicked out, rejected, forced to a start again with nothing.

I feel I have articulated my deepest questions in life and received adequate, satisfactory answers.

The balance in my life between stimulation and support is adequate. There are people who fight for me. Many people are on my side. I am not targeted for ridicule in any way.

I have every confidence in my government and authorities in general to manage the needs of the people in this country. I don’t feel used or cheated by the political system at all. Most people are adequately informed, and appropriately optimistic for the future.

The Christian faith is an excellent expression of my core spiritual values. I feel that it is well represented by the modern Christian church. The church we belong to doesn’t dumb the material down, and being there is in no way infuriating. It feels like the Greek Lyceum, not Chick-Fil-A.

The past misdeeds of the Catholic Church and the Protestant Church in aiding and abetting child abuse do not trouble me or interfere with my worship or participation in the church body. People have been held accountable, and reforms have been made to ensure nothing like that ever happens again.

Any anger that I have about events or people in the past has been fully expressed. The people in my life are accountable for their actions. I have no repressed feelings of anger, guilt, sorrow, or regret. Any negative emotions from work do not interfere with my home life.

I had a happy childhood. I was well taken care of, and I was appreciated. It was exactly how someone like me should have been raised.

There are no aspects of my sexuality that I find dark or troubling. My mental sex life is perfectly normal and appropriate compared to my overall values and outlook in life.

It is easy for me to give and receive physical affection in my marriage. Hurt feelings in no way preoccupy me. I feel like my spouse and I are consistently on the same page when it comes to sex, romance, and life in general. The signals I get from her are consistent.