Tag: monarch

There’s Someone at the Door, Ch. 1

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Someone was pounding on the door. She searched frantically for her clothes. How had this happened?

Her body was warm and pulsing, her crotch wet. She had been freshly fucked. She was alone. Where was she? Who was she? She knew she’d done something terrible, with the wrong person at the wrong time, something dangerous, something illegal. She had betrayed herself and those who loved her in the worst way. But who? Who had she betrayed? Who had she lost forever? Who was she?

The pounding grew louder. She heard keys rattling in the lock. She needed something to cover herself, to stick between her legs. The room stretched out around her, black and huge, cavernous. A dim bulb flickered above her. “Just a minute!” She saw a corner of something and picked it up, cloth, thin, a dress, thin like gauze. She pulled it over her head, and immediately saw how little of her nudity it concealed. She sniffed the smell of sex on herself and recoiled.

The door burst open. She  covered her breasts and crotch with her arms. A tall, strong black woman shadowed the streaming bright light. “Leyla. You have been summoned.” Leyla, was that her name? She shook her head. The name didn’t make her head clearer, didn’t shake the fog shrouding her thoughts.

“What’s happening? Where am I?” She hugged herself tighter, and felt very small and naked. The woman advanced toward her, staring her in the eyes, lips parted, smiling. Leyla felt the strong hands grasp her shoulder and pull her into the hall, and she released her hands concealing her figure.

She blinked at the bright light, and gasped as she saw professionally dressed women lining both sides of the hallway, beaming at her.

“You’ve been summoned, Leyla, you’ve been summoned.” The women were dressed identically, hair up in buns. She felt even more naked as she viewed their proper dress, their utterly controlled and composed uniform demeanors.

The tall woman put a hand on her shoulder and guided her down the hallway. “This isn’t going to be like last time, Leyla. You’ve gotten away with this long enough.” The floor was cold on her bare feet, and she struggled to remember anything that could help her, some scrap of memory.

A voice in her head whispered: “Georgia is the one pushing you. Seduce her. You need her on your side for what’s coming.”

Leyla nodded , reached up and felt Georgia’s hand. The women on either side tittered. Leyla stopped. “You’re sure this is the way it has to be?” She drew Georgia’s hand forward to rest on her breast.

Georgia clasped Leyla’s breast, and drew her to an embrace. Leyla sniffed Georgia’s cinnamon musk. Georgia wound a hand in Leyla’s hair and pulled her head back. She kissed Leyla’s neck, and an “oooohhh” sounded from the crowd.

Then she kicked Leyla’s legs apart, and kissed her neck. She whispered, “bend down and show me who you really are.”

Leyla bent at the waist and touched the floor. Georgia flipped up the skirt of her flimsy dress. “Just so you know, this don’t change a goddamn thing.” Leyla’s eyes widened as she felt Georgia’s hands grasp her backside. She watched the women blush in front of her. One of them, a delicate redhead, approached slowly and gently kissed Leyla’s upturned face.

Layla balanced her weight on the floor, her palms flat against the carpet. She saw another of the office women lowering George’s trousers. She felt Georgia’s fingers surprisingly soft, caressing her buttocks, kneading her skin, embroidering her flesh. Pleasure mixed with the waves of humiliation buffeting her, and she moaned. She understood that she must needed to submit to this experience if she was to survive.

She felt Georgia bring her hips down onto Georgia’s naked thigh, spreading her further, working her back and forth. Leyla locked her lips around the redhead, gasping into her sweet mouth as if she could pour all her sex into her. More women flanked both sides of her, supporting the redhead. One leaned in and unbuttoned the gauzy dress from Leyla’s torso, while heat radiated off her pulsing flesh.

Hands stroked her breasts, coming from all directions. She was lifted into the air, as the now nude Georgia laid down on the hallway carpet. She was weightless for a moment, then guided downward, so that her mouth was square with Georgia’s dark pussy. She felt Georgia’s hot breath on her crotch. The scent of cinnamon drove her in; she spread the black hair in front of her, the heat guided her downward. She spread Georgia’s nether lips and pulled back; the clitoris jutted before her and she kissed it, tongued it, and Georgia shuddered beneath her. A moan went up from the surrounding crowd.

Leyla felt Georgia’s tongue lapping at her clit, her nose moving back and forth. Leyla’s hips bucked faster and faster as her climax built, all humiliation forgotten. Hands stroked her hair, and silk shirt sleeves brushed against her back and ass. She was all heat, motion, and energy. She cried, screamed like she was alone, like there was no one else in the world.

Georgia began to groan, grunt, and the vibrations and heat caused Leyla to quiver and arch her back, spreading herself and her pussy. Leyla started to jerk her head and tongue faster and faster, thrusting and squeezing with her tongue and lips. Explosions rocked through her body, as she and Georgia came together. Leyla slumped forward between Georgia’s legs. Georgia drew Leyla up to her and cradled her, kissing her sweetly and softly on the mouth. “You were good, babygirl, you were real good.”

They stood up slowly, and the women crowded around them began to applaud. They began to dress. “Now we still got to get you to the judgment child. I can’t do nothing for you.” Leyla looked into her eyes, and nodded.

Chapter 2: https://hermanshermitage.com/2023/01/02/theres-someone-at-the-door-ch-2/

Into the Abyss

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Lost in the woods on

My morning jog, I found my

Way and returned home.

But everything had

Changed. My cherished wife was now

My foe, having been

Instructed on the great

Litany of my wrongs by

Some unknown scribe. She

Viewed me askance, and

All my efforts to engage

Were thwarted. Broken,

Dissolute, the streets

I wandered until

The beat of some infernal

Drum summoned me to

March, in a crowd of

Damned like me. We followed the

Rhythm, to our doom.

It’s Not Your Fault

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I failed my board exam. I had spent months studying, and done everything I thought I could and I should. I bombed it.

I have to retake it in June, and hope to still graduate residency in time. I’m really upset about it.

I pray that it’s a glitch, a electronic error on the part of the testing administrator, and this will all be a bad dream. But it brings me back to dark places.

I’ve spent the past few months writing reflective journal entries about my life. I am starting to recognize how many harmful patterns in my life are the result of what I went through as a kid, terrified and humiliated and neglected, beaten by my brother and verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by my dad, neglected by my mom, and made to watch her have sex when she and her boyfriend were drunk, and all the kids were in one hotel room together.

I was starting to heal, as difficult as it all was. Now I’m questioning myself all over again. And I have to go back into study mode, where I have to sit at a computer all day, mentally roasting myself while trying to stay focused.

I thought I had gotten to a place where I could get back to my writing, creative and spiritual interests, and move past all the hurt and shame and pain of the past. But it’s still here, and I have to live in that pit for another three months.

I’m reminded of this gut wrenching scene, Matt Damon and Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting: https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js

For all the internalizers out there, the ones who always had to be strong, smile and say that nothing was wrong, they were fine and didn’t need anything. For those who saw what no one else saw, and bore what no one should bear. For the lonely and the devastated, for all who suffer in silence when they want to scream. For the marks that don’t show and the wounds that won’t heal.

Being an abused and neglected kid, you never leave the pit. It stays in you. I relate to this sequence from Tom Kong’s Mister Miracle, because I always want someone to see the good in me, accept the hurt I’ve felt, and help me to move through it. I have to become that person for myself. I have to hug that boy, and tell him he’s loved and wanted and doesn’t have to prove anything.

Matrix

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My goal is to detect the matrix and test it’s reality.

There are multiple assumptions built into the matrix idea. One is that what we hear in our heads is detectable and influential to a consciousness external to us. The voice that we hear, the emotions in the actions that we take, must be discernible at a distance and matter to the entity that is monitoring them.

Bayesian I did that I can make a statement regarding my confidence that this reality is the base reality. So I can say that I’m 80% confident that the universe functions in a way that is easily apprehensible.

Another is that I and everyone around me can be manipulated in a way which is completely undetectable except under extraordinary circumstances. Additionally, for this to work, I would have to be able to detect that undetectable force.

The manipulation would have to benefit the entities which were monitoring from a distance.

The reason why matrix was persuasive and relatable when it first came out was because it was so apparent how my current reality was the product of my parents sending me the score and desiring me to do academics. It was readily visible how artificial the construction was. It required an extraordinary amount of energy in order to run an entire school.

Then, it’s 2021, and you stop the world for COVID-19. And the other people still exist, but so much of how you interacted with them is now gone. And you interact primarily through a computer now. It feels fake.

I have an intuition of the reality of circumstances. I have an intuition that there are other entities out there, with whom I want to be in contact.

There have been several times when the veil of reality has become thin.

A few times when loved ones acted in such a way that it was like if they were possessed by demons. My brother had a demon in him. It wanted to kill my younger brother. I had to throw myself in front of him, and he hates me forever because of it. That was more than 20 years ago, and I still think about it a couple times a week.

My younger brother had a demon. Maybe he still does. He nearly died several times. He wanted to kill my mom. He wanted to kill himself. He went inpatient multiple times. If you can’t remember anything, how do you know what was in your consciousness?

The demons have always bowed to me. I know their game. I win, but die a little more each time. They take the faces of the ones I love and twist them. They were the ones I trusted. I gave them good things.

The noosphere described by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would have to exist, and be manipulated by superior beings who treat humans as subjects. Demons could fit into this framework, malicious programs designed to tweak malfunctioning operators. Or stop people who were getting too close to detecting them.

I feel like things are simulated when I realize how things worked together in a way that I didn’t consciously realize.

As described by Nietzsche, the Apollonian vision of reality we behold in dreams, art, theater, music, represents a hyper reality. It is so desirable that I suffer upon waking from it. It encapsulates truths beyond words, and I can only grasp at vapor trying to hold it.

Alternatively, the Dionysian experience has me dance and laugh a riot, singing and celebrating and weeping with a crew of fellow satyrs and nymphs. I get myself into a frenzy, and all boundaries are dissolved. I am loved, I am home, I am one.

Crushed beneath a heap of people, I crawl to the top, sight golden Apollo, and truly experience the god.