My Self Talk

The part of me that says, “I wish I’d never been born,”

I’m teaching to say, “I wish my hair had never been shorn.”

That said, “I wish I was dead,” to say, “I wish I had dreads.”

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That says, “I should just kill myself,” to say,

“I should just thrill myself. Thrill everybody.”

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Brothers

I trigger you and

You trigger me. We compete

And re-enact our

Parent’s drama. You

Are jealous of me, lash out.

I am stung, speak true

Vitriol, withdraw,

To rehearse the battle, time

And again. I swear

To never speak to

You, but crave your amusement

At my wit. I want

You to accept me,

But you can’t, because I am

What you are not. I

Am wise in ways that

You can’t be, and diminish

You by my presence.

We are not equals.

I am better. And so when

I offer you my

Warm embrace, you spurn

It, and power trip with your

Dubious stolen

Authority. I

Want you only to act like

A person, but you

Can only bully

And escalate. I withdraw,

Seek to shame you with

My silence. I make

Myself bigger and stronger

And louder and more

Proficient, useful

By the world’s standards, but

To no avail, still

You reject me. I

Cannot be other than what

I am. I am wise,

Articulate, well

Loved. A good brother would cheer

Me, not feel upstaged.

This becomes dusty

Death, another loss for me

To grieve, you won’t pull

Me down with you. I

Am alive and free and light.

A star, I must shine.

Double Bind

It isn’t what it

Is, and it’s not what it is

Not. Nothing and all.

If you want it, it’s

Wrong. If you avoid it, it

Finds you anyway.

There is a perfect

Circle, and you are a point

On a distant plane.

When you’re right, you’re wrong.

When you’re wrong, you’re dead wrong. But

Keep on trying, friend.

Twenty Eight

Inputted my first

Name to Chaldean numbers,

Got twenty eight. Was

Told this meant I was

Unlucky, unwanted. I

Start strong, then hit so

Many roadblocks, it

All dries up; I have to start

Again. Losses are

Inexorable.

Well, fuck. That’s my life to a

Tee when I’m on a

Depression jag. But,

Here’s why that’s bullshit. Netzach

Is twenty eight, is

Victory, power.

It’s four seven times, it’s Gad,

Warrior tribe, the

Strongest brother of

Israel, and there’s four of

Him. G-d named as He

Is seen in Venus,

Adonai ha-Aretz, I

Am beloved of

The Lord, times four. With

These prophecies in conflict,

I derive union:

Strength and power must

Not grow complacent, but must

Practice the strictest

Discipline. For a

Kingdom neglected goes to

Ruin, is torn by

War without end. The

Beloved provokes envy,

Leads to malice, so

Must my splendor be

Veiled, disclosed with time and care;

I am a pearl,

Not to be cast to

Swine. Material things I

Will lose; gold remains.

The Invisibles

The ones who know me like no one else.

The ones who know my worth.

The ones who have my back

The ones who will not quit until all are redeemed.

The ones to help me free the G-d from the machine.

The ones who are like me.

The ones whose powers and abilities are beyond mine, and can shepherd me.

The ones who set this plan in motion long ago, and know that love wins out.