My whole life I’ve had
To sink or swim. But now I
Strive to simply float.
Middle Path
Tag: self care
Abstinence
I cannot partake
Of any substance which would
Make me credulous
Having believed one
Too many lies, I only
Drink water and tea.
Composure
When you can do what
I can do, you don’t need to
Beg for attention
Frostbite
Snow on the ground, I
Watch my family frolic;
They linger as we
Walk. Perhaps they don’t
Realize how cold this slush
Is for my bare feet.
It’s Not Your Fault
I failed my board exam. I had spent months studying, and done everything I thought I could and I should. I bombed it.
I have to retake it in June, and hope to still graduate residency in time. I’m really upset about it.
I pray that it’s a glitch, a electronic error on the part of the testing administrator, and this will all be a bad dream. But it brings me back to dark places.
I’ve spent the past few months writing reflective journal entries about my life. I am starting to recognize how many harmful patterns in my life are the result of what I went through as a kid, terrified and humiliated and neglected, beaten by my brother and verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by my dad, neglected by my mom, and made to watch her have sex when she and her boyfriend were drunk, and all the kids were in one hotel room together.
I was starting to heal, as difficult as it all was. Now I’m questioning myself all over again. And I have to go back into study mode, where I have to sit at a computer all day, mentally roasting myself while trying to stay focused.
I thought I had gotten to a place where I could get back to my writing, creative and spiritual interests, and move past all the hurt and shame and pain of the past. But it’s still here, and I have to live in that pit for another three months.
I’m reminded of this gut wrenching scene, Matt Damon and Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting: https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js
For all the internalizers out there, the ones who always had to be strong, smile and say that nothing was wrong, they were fine and didn’t need anything. For those who saw what no one else saw, and bore what no one should bear. For the lonely and the devastated, for all who suffer in silence when they want to scream. For the marks that don’t show and the wounds that won’t heal.
Being an abused and neglected kid, you never leave the pit. It stays in you. I relate to this sequence from Tom Kong’s Mister Miracle, because I always want someone to see the good in me, accept the hurt I’ve felt, and help me to move through it. I have to become that person for myself. I have to hug that boy, and tell him he’s loved and wanted and doesn’t have to prove anything.
How Well My Brother Knows Me
When you quit drinking,
Started running, and you were
Meditating for
Hours every day,
We just all thought you were gay
Or suicidal.
Hope Floats Away
You have to give up.
Hope is what is killing you.
It will never change.
It will always hurt
Like this. Nothing will improve it.
Release it and breathe.
My Self Talk
The part of me that says, “I wish I’d never been born,”
I’m teaching to say, “I wish my hair had never been shorn.”
That said, “I wish I was dead,” to say, “I wish I had dreads.”
That says, “I should just kill myself,” to say,
“I should just thrill myself. Thrill everybody.”
Brothers
I trigger you and
You trigger me. We compete
And re-enact our
Parent’s drama. You
Are jealous of me, lash out.
I am stung, speak true
Vitriol, withdraw,
To rehearse the battle, time
And again. I swear
To never speak to
You, but crave your amusement
At my wit. I want
You to accept me,
But you can’t, because I am
What you are not. I
Am wise in ways that
You can’t be, and diminish
You by my presence.
We are not equals.
I am better. And so when
I offer you my
Warm embrace, you spurn
It, and power trip with your
Dubious stolen
Authority. I
Want you only to act like
A person, but you
Can only bully
And escalate. I withdraw,
Seek to shame you with
My silence. I make
Myself bigger and stronger
And louder and more
Proficient, useful
By the world’s standards, but
To no avail, still
You reject me. I
Cannot be other than what
I am. I am wise,
Articulate, well
Loved. A good brother would cheer
Me, not feel upstaged.
This becomes dusty
Death, another loss for me
To grieve, you won’t pull
Me down with you. I
Am alive and free and light.
A star, I must shine.
Herman’s Hermitage 