I am tired of
These drug addicts. I want to
Be with addicts of
The type of drugs which
I am addicted to. They
Are far more urbane.

I am tired of
These drug addicts. I want to
Be with addicts of
The type of drugs which
I am addicted to. They
Are far more urbane.
You have to give up.
Hope is what is killing you.
It will never change.
It will always hurt
Like this. Nothing will improve it.
Release it and breathe.
I identify
With former child stars, washed
Up. Anonymous,
Unaddicted, still
Am I a tarnished relic
Of former promise.
The part of me that says, “I wish I’d never been born,”
I’m teaching to say, “I wish my hair had never been shorn.”
That said, “I wish I was dead,” to say, “I wish I had dreads.”
That says, “I should just kill myself,” to say,
“I should just thrill myself. Thrill everybody.”
“Your real educators, those who formed you, reveal to you what is the true primary meaning and fundamental substance of your being … Your true self does not lie deeply concealed within you but immeasurably high above you, or at least above what you usually take for your ego.” Nietzsche
What I love is the
Neat, obedient, well made.
Miniature, fine
Tuned, durable, marked
By craftsmanship. Intricate,
Smelling of old wood
And discipline. Love
I also the raw, untamed,
Unshorn, tacky, and
Tawdry, unabashed
And simple, open and free.
Wild, naked, real.
I am Apollo
And I am Dionysus,
Sharing a lifetime.
My goal is to detect the matrix and test it’s reality.
There are multiple assumptions built into the matrix idea. One is that what we hear in our heads is detectable and influential to a consciousness external to us. The voice that we hear, the emotions in the actions that we take, must be discernible at a distance and matter to the entity that is monitoring them.
Bayesian I did that I can make a statement regarding my confidence that this reality is the base reality. So I can say that I’m 80% confident that the universe functions in a way that is easily apprehensible.
Another is that I and everyone around me can be manipulated in a way which is completely undetectable except under extraordinary circumstances. Additionally, for this to work, I would have to be able to detect that undetectable force.
The manipulation would have to benefit the entities which were monitoring from a distance.
The reason why matrix was persuasive and relatable when it first came out was because it was so apparent how my current reality was the product of my parents sending me the score and desiring me to do academics. It was readily visible how artificial the construction was. It required an extraordinary amount of energy in order to run an entire school.
Then, it’s 2021, and you stop the world for COVID-19. And the other people still exist, but so much of how you interacted with them is now gone. And you interact primarily through a computer now. It feels fake.
I have an intuition of the reality of circumstances. I have an intuition that there are other entities out there, with whom I want to be in contact.
There have been several times when the veil of reality has become thin.
A few times when loved ones acted in such a way that it was like if they were possessed by demons. My brother had a demon in him. It wanted to kill my younger brother. I had to throw myself in front of him, and he hates me forever because of it. That was more than 20 years ago, and I still think about it a couple times a week.
My younger brother had a demon. Maybe he still does. He nearly died several times. He wanted to kill my mom. He wanted to kill himself. He went inpatient multiple times. If you can’t remember anything, how do you know what was in your consciousness?
The demons have always bowed to me. I know their game. I win, but die a little more each time. They take the faces of the ones I love and twist them. They were the ones I trusted. I gave them good things.
The noosphere described by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would have to exist, and be manipulated by superior beings who treat humans as subjects. Demons could fit into this framework, malicious programs designed to tweak malfunctioning operators. Or stop people who were getting too close to detecting them.
I feel like things are simulated when I realize how things worked together in a way that I didn’t consciously realize.
As described by Nietzsche, the Apollonian vision of reality we behold in dreams, art, theater, music, represents a hyper reality. It is so desirable that I suffer upon waking from it. It encapsulates truths beyond words, and I can only grasp at vapor trying to hold it.
Alternatively, the Dionysian experience has me dance and laugh a riot, singing and celebrating and weeping with a crew of fellow satyrs and nymphs. I get myself into a frenzy, and all boundaries are dissolved. I am loved, I am home, I am one.
Crushed beneath a heap of people, I crawl to the top, sight golden Apollo, and truly experience the god.
Chained in the darkness,
In the wreckage of many
Affectations, I
Have no desire.
Liberation? To what? There
Is no world out
There to return to.
This is where I always have
Been, will always be.
You did what you did
And it’s done. Now you want to
Be back where you were
But it’s gone. How do
You turn back the clock, remake
The world you’ve broken?
I trigger you and
You trigger me. We compete
And re-enact our
Parent’s drama. You
Are jealous of me, lash out.
I am stung, speak true
Vitriol, withdraw,
To rehearse the battle, time
And again. I swear
To never speak to
You, but crave your amusement
At my wit. I want
You to accept me,
But you can’t, because I am
What you are not. I
Am wise in ways that
You can’t be, and diminish
You by my presence.
We are not equals.
I am better. And so when
I offer you my
Warm embrace, you spurn
It, and power trip with your
Dubious stolen
Authority. I
Want you only to act like
A person, but you
Can only bully
And escalate. I withdraw,
Seek to shame you with
My silence. I make
Myself bigger and stronger
And louder and more
Proficient, useful
By the world’s standards, but
To no avail, still
You reject me. I
Cannot be other than what
I am. I am wise,
Articulate, well
Loved. A good brother would cheer
Me, not feel upstaged.
This becomes dusty
Death, another loss for me
To grieve, you won’t pull
Me down with you. I
Am alive and free and light.
A star, I must shine.