My Self Talk

The part of me that says, “I wish I’d never been born,”

I’m teaching to say, “I wish my hair had never been shorn.”

That said, “I wish I was dead,” to say, “I wish I had dreads.”

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That says, “I should just kill myself,” to say,

“I should just thrill myself. Thrill everybody.”

Photos: The Making of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' Video - Rolling Stone

What Have You Really Loved Till Now?

“Your real educators, those who formed you, reveal to you what is the true primary meaning and fundamental substance of your being … Your true self does not lie deeply concealed within you but immeasurably high above you, or at least above what you usually take for your ego.” Nietzsche

What I love is the

Neat, obedient, well made.

Miniature, fine

Tuned, durable, marked

By craftsmanship. Intricate,

Smelling of old wood

And discipline. Love

I also the raw, untamed,

Unshorn, tacky, and

Tawdry, unabashed

And simple, open and free.

Wild, naked, real.

I am Apollo

And I am Dionysus,

Sharing a lifetime.

Matrix

My goal is to detect the matrix and test it’s reality.

There are multiple assumptions built into the matrix idea. One is that what we hear in our heads is detectable and influential to a consciousness external to us. The voice that we hear, the emotions in the actions that we take, must be discernible at a distance and matter to the entity that is monitoring them.

Bayesian I did that I can make a statement regarding my confidence that this reality is the base reality. So I can say that I’m 80% confident that the universe functions in a way that is easily apprehensible.

Another is that I and everyone around me can be manipulated in a way which is completely undetectable except under extraordinary circumstances. Additionally, for this to work, I would have to be able to detect that undetectable force.

The manipulation would have to benefit the entities which were monitoring from a distance.

The reason why matrix was persuasive and relatable when it first came out was because it was so apparent how my current reality was the product of my parents sending me the score and desiring me to do academics. It was readily visible how artificial the construction was. It required an extraordinary amount of energy in order to run an entire school.

Then, it’s 2021, and you stop the world for COVID-19. And the other people still exist, but so much of how you interacted with them is now gone. And you interact primarily through a computer now. It feels fake.

I have an intuition of the reality of circumstances. I have an intuition that there are other entities out there, with whom I want to be in contact.

There have been several times when the veil of reality has become thin.

A few times when loved ones acted in such a way that it was like if they were possessed by demons. My brother had a demon in him. It wanted to kill my younger brother. I had to throw myself in front of him, and he hates me forever because of it. That was more than 20 years ago, and I still think about it a couple times a week.

My younger brother had a demon. Maybe he still does. He nearly died several times. He wanted to kill my mom. He wanted to kill himself. He went inpatient multiple times. If you can’t remember anything, how do you know what was in your consciousness?

The demons have always bowed to me. I know their game. I win, but die a little more each time. They take the faces of the ones I love and twist them. They were the ones I trusted. I gave them good things.

The noosphere described by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin would have to exist, and be manipulated by superior beings who treat humans as subjects. Demons could fit into this framework, malicious programs designed to tweak malfunctioning operators. Or stop people who were getting too close to detecting them.

I feel like things are simulated when I realize how things worked together in a way that I didn’t consciously realize.

As described by Nietzsche, the Apollonian vision of reality we behold in dreams, art, theater, music, represents a hyper reality. It is so desirable that I suffer upon waking from it. It encapsulates truths beyond words, and I can only grasp at vapor trying to hold it.

Alternatively, the Dionysian experience has me dance and laugh a riot, singing and celebrating and weeping with a crew of fellow satyrs and nymphs. I get myself into a frenzy, and all boundaries are dissolved. I am loved, I am home, I am one.

Crushed beneath a heap of people, I crawl to the top, sight golden Apollo, and truly experience the god.

Brothers

I trigger you and

You trigger me. We compete

And re-enact our

Parent’s drama. You

Are jealous of me, lash out.

I am stung, speak true

Vitriol, withdraw,

To rehearse the battle, time

And again. I swear

To never speak to

You, but crave your amusement

At my wit. I want

You to accept me,

But you can’t, because I am

What you are not. I

Am wise in ways that

You can’t be, and diminish

You by my presence.

We are not equals.

I am better. And so when

I offer you my

Warm embrace, you spurn

It, and power trip with your

Dubious stolen

Authority. I

Want you only to act like

A person, but you

Can only bully

And escalate. I withdraw,

Seek to shame you with

My silence. I make

Myself bigger and stronger

And louder and more

Proficient, useful

By the world’s standards, but

To no avail, still

You reject me. I

Cannot be other than what

I am. I am wise,

Articulate, well

Loved. A good brother would cheer

Me, not feel upstaged.

This becomes dusty

Death, another loss for me

To grieve, you won’t pull

Me down with you. I

Am alive and free and light.

A star, I must shine.